Especially with my dad.
And especially when there’s a funeral involved.
Seriously, I cry every time.
(I suppose I can look at that confrontation with my friend as training, although I still need some work.)
So, I got to see some deeply missed familiar faces today. I went to a welcome back BBQ put on by my campus church for those of us that moved back early. I was greeted with lots of smiles and hugs. Which made me feel all -
Everyone seems to feel just as happy for me to be back as I do - except…
Day 6: Write a paragraph to somebody - it could be anybody you want, even someone you haven’t met yet.
No matter where I post this, the person who’s supposed to read it probably won’t get the message. Ah well. I guess this is it then.
Right now on the inside I feel like a mix between
While on the outside I’m a bit like this:
This is what happens when you get stuck dwelling on things you’re trying to ignore. Stupid people. By “people” I mean myself and the person who’s making me feel like this. Seriously, this sucks. Being ignored sucks. Friendships ending sucks. Especially when you’re part of the same groups of friends that easily consists of at least 100 people. C’mon dude, why don’t you wanna settle this beef?
I really hope that I’m just being paranoid this time.
I really hope within a few hours or a day or two that I can make a post that says “False Alarm! ^_^”
However I’m fearing that one of the friendships I held dear is now over. I’m not even sure why. Even though it’s more his problem than mine, the fact that things turned out this way really hurt.
And what especially sucks is that there’s no explanation. He just stopped talking to me, and continues to not talk to me. However, he can talk to all of our other friends just fine.
I’m trying to keep a positive outlook, but right now I’ve gotta say:
THIS FREAKING SUCKS. WHAT THE HELL, DUDE?
I thought typing ^that would make me feel better. It didn’t.
I don’t even know what to say anymore, except - I’m done. I’m done trying. If this is how you’re going to be, then maybe I’m better off. Hopefully I can get through seeing your face without feeling like I’ve been stabbed in the gut. Our friendship was nice while it lasted, and I’m sorry if I screwed it up. I’m sorry you won’t listen or respond to my apology. Wait - WHY am I even saying this if you’re not gonna listen? If you see this you’ll just scroll past it anyway.
Usually I don’t have beef with people, and if I feel like I could have been wronged, I usually let it go within minutes. However, with this one it’s been months, and I haven’t had the chance to talk to someone about it, so here goes.
Disclaimer: How I see this situation may be skewed very strongly from the reality due to the fact that I’ve been stuck in my own head for months on the situation.
I told my friend I liked him in a letter, and a couple weeks later realized I made a HUGE mistake. Not only should I have never done it, the timing was especially bad. What he needed at the time was a friend, not someone to make his life more complicated. I had a moment of selfishness and was pretty much out of my right mind. I gave him the letter the last time I saw him before Christmas break, and was not surprised to not get a response during break since we live nowhere near each other and therefore couldn’t talk in person. After about a week or so after we returned to campus, he still didn’t say anything. I didn’t mind that, but I did feel a sense of guilt over what I did, and had no idea if he was mad at me or what. So I sent him a text basically saying ‘Would you feel comfortable talking with me sometime? I’d like to apologize. I was not in my right mind last semester.’
He never responded.
He didn’t say “no, I don’t feel comfortable” or “I don’t feel like talking right now” or “I’m a bit busy” or “I never want to speak to you again.” Nothing.
At the end of January, I had to leave school because I got really sick. I thought I’d be ready within a day or two, but days turned into weeks and I wasn’t getting any better. I texted a few friends back at school to give them updates, and this guy was one of them. We’ve been friends for a year and a half and have several friends in common, so I figured I should let him in on what was going on. He’s also one of my friends that’s really good about praying and sending good thoughts whenever I or another friend needs it. However, he didn’t respond to my messages. Then, a month ago today, I got diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, a life long auto immune disease that destroys the nerve endings in my brain and spine. He was one of the few friends I told first, and he never said anything back. All my other friends sent me messages, facebook posts, tweets, phone calls, and if they couldn’t think of something to say, they would “like” a post related to a health update. But him? Nothing. Still to this day, not a single word or “like.”
The thing that bothers me the most though is that while he was ignoring me, he went to a party and hung out with my friends from MY hometown that I knew from before I went to the university. Even though he took the time hang out with my hometown friends and thus coming upon what I somewhat consider to be my “home turf,” he never said a word to me.
With all this being said, he may have not contacted me because I didn’t cross his mind. He could be really busy. But still, if you found out that a good friend was diagnosed with a lifelong illness and had to put his or her life on hold for at least half a year, wouldn’t you say something at least once?
I want to forgive him, but it’s hard when he won’t talk to me and I have no idea how he’s feeling or what he’s thinking about the whole situation. And I don’t know if he ever forgave me either.
I have no idea what to do now.
And all this stupid stress has made my body stop absorbing water, again! Ugh.
Thanks for bearing with me through this whiny post. Regular blogging from me will return in the morning.